An Open Letter From Cyclists to Bees and Associated Flying Insects

To bees, hornets, dragon flies, grasshoppers, and other associated winged citizens of the insect world,

Greetings and salutations from a two wheeled representative of the humanoid civilization. I want to preface my remarks by saying that I have the utmost respect for your function and work. I do adore your fuzzy black and yellow ensemble. The buzz of you and your brethren dancing among our rose bushes is the perfect back drop to a perusal of LAVA magazine in the hammock. I enjoy honey occasionally. I like the song “Stayin Alive.” I even get moments of happiness watching your robotic namesake destroy things in Transformers.

However, despite my appreciation of your species, I must ask you to cease and assist immediately all operations contributing to and resulting in the kamikaze attacks on cyclists. This request is made following an unprecedented increase in activity witnessed during this author’s bicycle ride this afternoon. While traveling on a lonely Montana road, surrounded by absolutely nothing but Big Sky, one of your representatives flew into my left ear and proceeded to buzz and squirm loudly. Fortunately, said aggression stopped within moments. However, this event was followed by another attack, in which a member of the hornet class flew between my helmet vents, became lodged against my hair, and attempted to deploy its on board countermeasures, commonly known as a stinger, into my scalp.

While you may claim this is a random occurrence, I find it inconceivable that, amongst a field of wild flowers, in a desolate corner or Montana, that two of your members would randomly  fly into the 1-3cm sized orifices of an object moving at 20mph. That being said, I am willing to concede that possibility, and I thus offer the following guidelines and intel in an effort to avoid future cross species incidents.

1. While many cycling helmets often contain more colors than a Monet on Marijuana,  helmets are not in fact flowers on our heads. The tiny holes in said helmets, do lead to a sticky liquid, but not of the type that makes good honey.

2. The two small “vents” on each side of our head are actually used for hearing. The yellow material often on the inside is also not suitable for honey production.

3.   The large hole on the front of our face is used for eating. The frequent aroma of sweet nectar you may have detected is secondary to the consumption of sugar containing beverages and gels. It is unknown if these materials are suitable for honey production. However, attempts at entering this portal for exploration will result in a very painful termination, especially if I have consumed Mexican cuisine.

4. While soft appearing, the cushions on either side of our aforementioned consumption portal, known to us as “cheeks”, will not provide a soft surface to haphazardly bounce from when moving at 30mph relative speed.

With this information, hopefully we can avoid any further damaging incidents between our communities. I thank you and wish you the best of luck to you and your winged species. Except for mosquitoes, who can go outside and play hide and go f_ck themselves.



About Ironvan

From couch potato to Ironman triathlete in 2 years.

Posted on August 10, 2011, in Training and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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