Top Ten Signs You’re a Triathlete in a Zombie Apocalypse
As I haven’t had my ass stuck on a trainer or in a pool for most of my waking hours, I have been catching up on the important things in my life. You know, like family, work, school…..and TV. One show that has caught my attention is the Walking Dead. As a video game player used to blowing heads away with reckless abandon, I love me anything zombie. I started the first season this week and I’m already ready to transition into Season 2.
As I was watching sweaty southerners metaphorically spotlight racial tensions and spousal abuse through the ventilation of heads with shotguns, I began to wonder what it would be like to be a triathlete during a zombie invasion. So, here we go: the top ten signs you’re a triathlete in a zombie apocalypse:
10. When you saw dead people staggering down the street, you thought you had just wandered onto the last mile of the Ironman run course.
9. You can weave your way through a slow zombie crowd with your eyes closed.
8. Even after realizing zombies can’t swim, you still weren’t excited to jump in the pool.
7. Despite the end of civilization, you still ran that marathon you signed up for just so you could win 1st place overall, with a time of 4:45.
6. When you encountered a zombie on your training ride, you stopped and asked if he needed a spare tire or sunscreen.
5. Before seeking food and weapons, your first goal was to finally run on that private golf course across town.
4. For once, you didn’t care about being the fastest in your age group. You’re just happy that you’re not the slowest.
3. You have smashed twenty heads with a bicycle pump.
2. You nicknamed your axe “special needs”.
1. After being bitten and turned, you’re the only zombie shuffling down the street groaning “GELLLLLL.”