How to Have an Ironman Party for 20$
If you’re like me, your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram (don’t pretend you don’t use it hipster) is just full of pics from all the festivities leading up to the Ironman World Championship this Saturday. If you are further like me, you are just sick with envy. Envious of not being part of the party. Envious of that sub 10 hour Ironman finish. Envious of just being awesome.
Well fear not comrades. The day can still be ours yet! We are triathletes for crying out loud and we know that if we can’t earn something we can at least pose and buy in!
Fortunately, my solution to savoring is much less expensive than a set of Zipp Flaming Ceramic Crest oh-everyone-else-has-them-so-I must-oh eights. This ticket to the show is only going to cost 20 dollars. Ladies and gents, I now present how to have your own Kona Ironman Party for 20 bucks.
Turn Up Heat in House
It’s most certainly not cold in Hawaii. Crank it up. If you want to be truly frugal in your simulation of the Energy Lab, just pull a Joey and put on all your sweaters.
Get Lei’d (1.99)
You can’t go to Hawaii without getting Leid. It happens usually when you get off the airplane. If you have one of those dollar tree stores by you, head on in and try to see if you can get some fake ones. They may be made of lead of formaldehyde, but at least toxic exposure will look good!
Buy Pineapple (3.99)
Nothing says Hawaii like a fresh piece of pineapple. Sure, the freshness of the pineapple at your local store may be measured in hundreds of miles, but hey, how far do you think that strawberry GU is from fruit? And you eat 20 of those a week.
Take said pineapple and make yourself a plate of fresh chunks. If you are new at this, here is a classic way to dice it. However, just because were cheap doesn’t mean we can’t be fancy. Personally, this method really floats my boat…and saves on clean up.
Pig In a Can (2.99)
If there is one meat that says ALOHA , its spiced ham in a can, AKA SPAM. Interesting side note: I once drove across Iowa to visit the official SPAM museum in Austin, Minneapolis. It was AWESOME, but I digest. Yes, there is something gross about strange, random pork products packaged in a container that looks like it will survive to be dug up 20,000 years from now by visiting Alien archaeologists. But treated right, there is also something undeniably yum about it.
Here is how I like it. Grab a can of the low sodium/fat version first of all; that way you won’t have a heart attack eight hours into the race coverage. Drop the meat from its metal confines and dice it into thin slices. Put some olive oil in a pan and sear over medium heat until the surfaces just start to brown. Remove from heat and dice into cubes. Grab some Sriracha, some horseradish mustard, and some toothpicks and BAM, super spicy spiced ham in a can! If you want to get really fancy, grab some dinner rolls and make a tiny sandwich of it.
If you have ever read any of my blog, you know where I am going with this. My first choice for this would be the Kona Brewing Company’s coffee porter. In one drink you get essence of Hawaiian brewing and Kona coffee. We are all about efficiency as endurance athletes and alcohol plus coffee flavor is a WIN in my book. In fact, if you want to just skip the rest of the food and get two six packs, that would be a suitable option. (Warning, this may seriously affect your ability to remember who wins the race)
I love taro. I’m Asian. Loving taro is hence a prerequisite. But guess what. I hate poi. I even love liver pate. Poi is one of the few things in life I simply don’t like. That and ingrown toe nail removals. Yet, poi is an important part of the Hawaiian culture and of any Lua that cost more than 5 dollars to get into and has seats that don’t double as beds for stray cats at night. So, if you really need to get your goo in, grab some bluish jello. It’s blue and more edible. Or just get some blue play-do, sit it beside your plate, and ignore it, just like you would at a Lua.
Dress to Impress
Somewhere behind all those jersey’s, cycling jackets, and resume of race t-shirts, you have to have a Hawaii shirt lurking. Sure, it may smell like a thrown up pina colada after that party years ago, but it has been waiting for this moment. If you’re the unfortunate type who lacks said beautiful shirt, don’t fret, there are other options for setting the mood. One, just put on swimming trunks/suit, flip flops, and some sunscreen without a shirt. Second option, put on every piece of Ironman clothing you own. Don’t forget compression socks, visor, and sunglasses on the head, even if it’s night.
It may not be Ali’i Drive. It’s not the same as sipping a Mai Tai at Fish Hoopers as Crowie goes by (in first…and you know it). But heck. On Saturday, you could be watching the live feed of the race, in the heat, nibbling on pineapple and SPAM, with a Kona beer in your hand. I can think of a lot worst scenarios to be in.
Bon appetite. Good luck and safe racing to all the athletes and kick some ass Crowie!
Here are some helpful links for race day:
PS: Another interesting factoid. If you to go Google maps and pick street view for Ali’I Drive, it shows the street setup for the Ironman…from different years it appears.
PSS: I’m still with Trisports. If you feel the need for some new goodies after watching the race, use my athlete code to get 10% off your order. Enter IRONVAN-S at checkout!