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Top Ten Signs You’re a Pregnant Triathlete Couple in Labor

Can you guess why I’m writing this? I have some time to kill apparently. Okay, here’s nothing:

10. You get your hospital ID band on your right so it doesn’t cover up the Ironman wristband you’ve been wearing on your left since CDA 2010.

9. In addition to baby’s heartbeat and contractions, you’re also monitoring your HR to make sure you reach your zones.

8. Anything less than 17 hours is childs play in your book.

7. You refer to getting an epidural as “pulling a Lance.”

6. After the OB says “lets break your water”, you put on swim goggles.

5. You’re watching Sufferfest videos to keep you in the groove.

4. When your nurse asks how bad the contractions feel, you reply “somwhere between interval and sprint pace.”

3. Given birthing ball, you instinctly begin doing crunches.

2. Your walk around labor and delivery included 4x800m intervals.

1. You’ve taped 10 Hammer gels to the inside of your thighs.

Top Ten Signs You’re a Triathlete in a Zombie Apocalypse

"Do you have a salt tablet........"

As I haven’t had my ass stuck on a trainer or in a pool for most of my waking hours, I have been catching up on the important things in my life. You know, like family, work, school…..and TV. One show that has caught my attention is the Walking Dead. As a video game player used to blowing heads away with reckless abandon, I love me anything zombie. I started the first season this week and I’m already ready to transition into Season 2.

As I was watching sweaty southerners metaphorically spotlight racial tensions and spousal abuse through the ventilation of heads with shotguns, I began to wonder what it would be like to be a triathlete during a zombie invasion. So, here we go: the top ten signs you’re a triathlete in a zombie apocalypse:

10. When you saw dead people staggering down the street, you thought you had just wandered onto the last mile of the Ironman run course.

9. You can weave your way through a slow zombie crowd with your eyes closed.

8. Even after realizing zombies can’t swim, you still weren’t excited to jump in the pool.

7. Despite the end of civilization, you still ran that marathon you signed up for just so you could win 1st place overall, with a time of 4:45.

6. When you encountered a zombie on your training ride, you stopped and asked if he needed a spare tire or sunscreen.

5. Before seeking food and weapons, your first goal was to finally run on that private golf course across town.

4. For once, you didn’t care about being the fastest in your age group. You’re just happy that you’re not the slowest.

3. You have smashed twenty heads with a bicycle pump.

2. You nicknamed your axe “special needs”.

1.  After being bitten and turned, you’re the only zombie shuffling down the street groaning “GELLLLLL.”

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